Our editors have come up with another “re-interpretation” of posts made to the gov.uk website this week.

Please note that comments added are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to the truth is purely accidental…

• Norovirus and rotavirus: summary of surveillance 2018-19 – Department of Health inspectors caught red-nosed sneezing in a no-sneeze zone.
• Drug and alcohol treatment outcomes: measuring effectiveness – inmates in a drying out facility unable to keep pace with counsellors in an in-house drinking competition.
• Water abstraction statistics: – stats not available this month as staff tasked to collect data away on a cruise.
• Total income from farming quality report – civil servants caught growing cress on departmental reports.
• Out of area placements in Mental Health Services – doctor found wandering with diminished faculties on a Devon beach.
• Gross domestic expenditure on research and development – HMRC reject claim for two hundred toilet rolls by team developing a new anti-diarrhoea drug.
• Completion and attainment ready reckoner for 16 to 18 – seventeen year old student hacks into school IT and sets his own exam questions.
• Live tables on government finance – clerks unable to straighten their hair after shocking experience handling antique calculators.
• Running rural primary schools efficiently – school inspector fazed by requirement to train for a marathon as rural schools back national fitness campaign.
• Driving test statistics – mathematician unable to make headway with complex calculations whilst driving.

All good fun.